Heavy

What to do when things feel heavy? Life ebs and flows with ups and downs. I get 

that. But it’s hard to embrace the lightness of being in the peaks of experience without 

the heaviness of trudging through the valleys. We are all cyclical beings, and moods 

fluctuate the same way. Growing up in my family things only existed in the extremes of 

joy and the bottom of despair. It’s never easy talking about mood. Growing up we were told to keep all of those feelings inside never sharing them with anyone outside of the 

family. I feel like a lot of families are like this. There is a lot of shame and guilt in our 

society when it comes to being open about mental health. After having a day where I 

could see myself bumping around the extremes again I am searching for a new 

equilibrium as my body adjusts to the various stressors I encounter. As the first born in 

my family, I tended to be more high strung and just stressed out. It felt like a lot was on my 

shoulders to be an example for my siblings. Anxiety was not detrimental to me, it was 

actually my friend. It helped me anticipate danger, consider different outcomes at rapid 

pace, and adapt to dealing with an often overtired and emotionally unpredictable parent. 

Anxiety brought me to high levels of sensitivity and focus to keep pushing for 

achievement. But it also came with a cost. I couldn’t control the panic that also came 

with it. What initially felt like a super power to push harder, also became a dangerous 

place of beyond critical self doubt, deep sadness, and feelings of worthlessness. I hope 

you have never experienced a panic attack, but it feels like an elephant is sitting on your 

chest. All you feel is hunger for air, even though you are breathing rapidly. And the 

overwhelming sense of doom narrows your vision, until you can’t make out figures in 

front of you. I never want to go back there again. But I know this is a waxing and waning 

part of me. So when I felt those extremes starting up again yesterday, and anxious 

thoughts causing a storm in my head I stepped away from clinic and took 3 big expansive 

deep breaths. It cleared my head for a second, and then I thought about getting myself 

something to eat. After I had a snack, I actually could feel myself leveling off. I was able 

to finish clinic a little bit better than I started, and then went for a walk. The walk actually 

had a wonderful grounding effect. My thoughts stopped racing, and I started to see all the scenes unfolding around me. It caught me off guard just how easy it was to get to a better baseline than before.  

So I’m considering eating earlier when I’m in clinic. I just can’t wait until 12:45 to eat lunch because morning clinic always ends late. I wake up at 5am and eat super early, my brain turns to mush by 11am. There will have to be a break in between patients to eat so my blood sugars dropping doesn’t trick me into believing anxiety is running my life again. Second, I may need to take a beat in between patients. They deserve to have me present and not me ruminating about the person before them. So I’m going to take 1 minute between each person not looking at the chart, and breath. Lastly, I have to find a way to get outside between morning and afternoon clinic. Sitting in the hospital dungeon all day without sunlight is unnatural. This must happen daily in order for me to survive as a whole human being. I am hopeful that these things can help decrease my sense of heaviness in these critical hours of my day.