Finding peace when things don't work

Navigating the MBTA in Boston can be challenging on the best of days, especially the subway system. Plagued with an aging infrastructure, budget deficits, and under staffing any day taking the train can be an adventure. But when you add on the pressures of trying to get to work, or pick up kids from school or daycare the stress becomes another layer of impunities that make it so hard to find peace. I’ve tried to meditate on the train when it has stopped for the 4th time at each stop due to signaling problems. I even started to bring paperback books to help my mind focus, and know that no matter how much worrying I do it won’t make the train start moving again. After 2 years of back to back train shut downs to fix the tracks the Orange Line finally started to move again on time. I couldn’t believe my luck getting to my train stop so quickly. I became a believer in mass transit again, and enjoyed getting into work with a time buffer to meditate quietly before seeing patients.

Then I started to noticed the delays piling on with us standing at each station for up to 10 minutes. I could barely hear the speaker, but finally heard the announcement "signal problems at Back Bay." This did not phase me much because I started to just have faith that I will get there on time, or it will be fixed quickly. Enter this morning after walking to the train station to find it shackled and closed. The lovely MBTA worker I see each morning nodded gravely at me and said the dreaded words, “Sorry, but today there are shuttle buses waiting on the other side of the station to take you to your destination.” My heart sank, but my brain did not fully register the implications. After he repeated it to me like 2 more times, I quickly sped off to run across 4 lanes of traffic to get to the shuttle bus. There was one waiting, and luckily I got a seat. I started to feel myself stewing on these ongoing train issues, but thankfully I had a book! It’s called Ayurveda and the mind: The healing of consciousness by David Frawley. I was going to read where I left off, but opened back up to a page I tagged and underlined because it was so perfect. He states on pg 247, “So let us stop pretending that we are in charge of things or have the capacity to change them. Let us surrender to the Power that is always in control of things, which is the love that lies in our own deepest hearts.” I took a deep breath, and was able to move back to where I left off reading and take in all that he was saying.

Truth is we moved faster than we had if we were on the train with the ongoing signal problem. Everyone was in the same boat, and mindful of each other. It was interesting to even hear people thank the bus driver before they departed. In the end it wasn’t the situation, or the commute that had me so electric. It was my mind, the past experiences of feeling ungrounded with this change in my morning ritual with movement, and just fear of the unknown. I can’t say that I am at peace, but I have more compassion that all things naturally break or stop functioning. Life is so beautifully messy, but sometimes the unexpected parts give me a nice moment to practice grace and let go long enough to enjoy the journey.